The Problem Here is You.

 What happens when you deserve more than a man can give you.



"I tried to be nice. but i have to say you need get over your I deserve this shit. Cuz you wont get everything you "deserve". You don't deserve as much as you think you do and neither do i. That's what I have learned and I hope you learn it to."

-Excerpt from an email from my Ex

 I've been breaking/broken up with my "Ex" since April 25th. It was the day I found text messages between him and various girls ( one of whom I had previously had my eye on because shelooked easy) on the Blackberry I had given him. I took the phone, sent all of them text messages and left his house a new woman. Since then, I (idiotically) tried to be his friend. I don't really do "friends" with men I've been involved with, but he was a great friend while we were together... and recent updates on his health made me feel like he needed someone, and that someone should be me. Because I love him. Meanwhile, when I asked for his company, or his time, the same consideration wasn't returned.  So yesterday, I ended the friendship and with it all ties.

I got an email from him today. He explained that his schedule is hectic and he has no time (remember, this is the same guy on the Starbucks date with the ugly chick). He's one of those guys who makes time only for what he wants. If you aren't high on the "Wants" list, you might as well not be on the list at all. So, I responded to the email saying that I deserve more than he was giving and could give me. The quote above is  how he opened his response. Needless to say, I called him and it didn't go civilly. I'd describe the conversation for you but I'm trying to limit the curse words in this blog. The conversation began with a "Don't you ever fucking disrespect me" ( I really do add the "g" when I'm upset) and ended with a "FUCK YOU," followed by the dial tone.

Now for the meat of this blog: If a man says "you don't deserve as much as you think," he doesn't realize your full potential. Negativity can be the most destructive force to a person's success if you don't separate yourself. But, never forget it. I will never forget how little value he placed on me as a person. And I promise you he will one day realize that he should have held onto me.  He does not deserve me. The man a woman needs in her life is one that will support her on any endeavor she tackles. He will stand beside her in the spotlight and pick her up if she can no longer see the light.

Additionally, he truly believes that he will not get everything he deserves. How can I be with a man who is willing to settle for so little?  Here's the thing: He had 2 job offers last summer. A secure teaching job at a private school, or a teaching job with some company no one has heard of.  He chose the latter, deciding with his heart instead of his wallet. He bought a new bed, Macbook and car; all of which have to be paid monthly on top of his student loans for his 5 years of undergrad (takes him a long time to learn, trust me). Now, the bills are piling up so he has to DJ more gigs on top of  the job he now hates it (he only admits that every other day, of course).

 It seems that second rate is good enough for him (that girl was third rate) and he insists it should be good enough for me. Once you make exceptions for any given situation, you affect the outcome of your life as a whole. Imagine me, marrying this broke school teacher because he doesn't think he deserves better. This $22,550 in student loans says I BETTER never be broke again.  In sum, if you settle for less, you will get less.  That's all. I settled for him in the beginning and we see where that left me.This isn't deeply philosophical, merely common sense and purely truth.

Plus, I had to get that off my chest. Whew.





A Poem by Ciara

My Love

Anything you ask, I'll be right there to do it.
But if I react, you tell me to relax.
Too late to take it back. Cuz boy you put me through it. 
This circular motion is all we do.
I'm so sick of going back and forth with you.

You should have been happy to have me. 
Said you wanted to have some kids, build a family. 
Now I wish it wasnt true.
It's killing me to do, what I go to do.

The problem here is you. 

[Recovering Under Cover Over] Love[r].

"I'm a recovering under cover over lover. And now my common law lover says he wants another." -E. Badu.

Love... umm.. love...blows, sucks, sucks-and-blows simultaneously, happens, fades, blinds, binds, completes, destroys. Yea, man. Love. 

Love, I believe, is what transitions you from one stage of life into another. The Virginity stage is incomparable to any other. When I speak of virginity, I am speaking of both sexual virginity and emotional virginity. When neither your heart nor your insides have been torn apart by brutal and, sometimes even, kind men, who have their own methods of destruction. It is in essence the period of  innocence and naivety. For men, it is always a game --something to figure out, accomplish, win over. For women, love is and has always been accompanied by pain.We cannot escape it. Okay, I'll leave the "we's" behind speak for myself now.

I enter every relationship expecting the worst because Murphy' damned law seems to be the ultimate decree as to how life is to proceed: whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. I was trying to figure out how to get started on this blog and read a brilliant friend's blog, Eff Everything by Lauren (don't know if I should put her last name).  Her first blog commented on Love (yes, I will capitalize this bastard throughout) and the celeb relationships vs. real life relationships... you know, the usual stuff we all concern ourselves with, comparing ourselves to people we DO NOT KNOW. Anyways, she goes on to end the piece discussing how Love "isn’t smooth sailing, don’t get me wrong, but love is self first. When you find that, everything else will fall into place." Genius.

And depressing.

Where does that leave those of us not walking through parks swinging intertwined fingers in the spring sun on our way to romantic picnics? What do I need to find Love? I have a picnic basket. I've had this damned picnic basket for two years. No picnic. Who am I? Yogi Bear? Depressing. Ain't it depressing? 

Not only do you have to find that "special someone" but you must now find yourself as well. Yourself seems to be the hardest person to find. You can look in the mirror everyday and not know who you are. And when you think you know, then you fall in love, and love changes you. You wake up out of love a completely different person --I can assure you.

I was in a relationship with a great man (mostly, if he was that great, we'd still be together, right?) for my last 2 years of college. I practically lived with the man. I grew. Man, I grew. I became a woman with him. I cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner. Washed his clothes (when he would let me). Cleaned his house. Made his bed. My world revolved around him. I envisioned myself marrying this man. Having his children. I hate children. I am telling you that I grew. Until he wanted to be young again. He is five years my elder, but sadly just getting into his "cool". He hadn't gotten girls in high school, or most of college, but now the big time DJ is attracting attention unlike anything he had had in the past. And here I was, in love. Ready... ready to "go to the sto'" for him (please, get Erykah Badu's new album. Please.). Yet, asking for his time was asking for too much.

He no longer wanted me. It shames me to say this but I begged for the first time in my life (AND THE LAST) that he wouldn't leave me. I'd have done anything.I cried and I cry still. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Sincerely.

A week later, he was seductively sipping a latte with his date outside the Johns Hopkins Starbucks (Oh, yes this M.F. was). Besides loudly announcing that "she ain't cuter than me," my heart-felt response was, Word?


Lauren, sweetie, I have to disagree. It's not Eff Love, rather, Eff Him. Only after I found Love was I able to find myself. So you see, the reverse is also absolutely possible. Because I did Love him. Part of me still would, if I hadn't found myself already. Lauryn Hill describes a line in her song "Lose Myself" as a double entendre: "I had to lose myself, in order to Love you better,"  meaning that one has to lose themselves in Love in order to Love better. At the same time you also have to lose out, lose something, to understand how to Love better. Sometimes that thing you lose is yourself. Only after you have lost yourself to the ungracious recipient will you miss yourself. Nobody looks for something they don't think is missing. You need to lose yourself un order to find yourself and then Love yourself better.

We depend so much on the love of others, perfecting ourselves for others hoping to find love. Maybe the purpose of love is to show you who you really are.And who says love only comes once? It'll be back. Oh, it will be back. While my Ex can parade around whichever 10 (I know it's 80/20, but she wasn't cute) he wants, my next Love will be at least a 95.  I guarantee it. My Ex might have let me down, but I don't disappoint myself.


 So... overall, thanks for inspiration, Lauren. You said it best, Eff Everything. (Check out her blog, it's phenomenal, & much more put together than mine!)


For the grande finale:With some slight edits, I give you a poem by Shawn Carter,

 (Spaced out so it looks like poetry. Nice, huh?)

"Is That Yo B*tch"

 I don't love'em,
I  eff'em. 
I don't chase'em.
I duck'em.
I replace'em with another one.

The Grand Unveiling.

I punctuate titles. Somehow I feel that it completes a thought when a period is added to the end of any statement. Rather the period transforms it into a statement. Think... Janet Jackson's "Janet." I bought the album simply because of the punctuation. I'm getting off topic. This, Ladies and Gents is most likely attributed to the frog-shaped sippy cup to my left; full of none other than my revered, Polka Dot Riesling --don't judge me, I needed some liquid confidence and the sippy cup has a built in ice thingy. But really, this blog, "A Thousand Thinks", is named after that fact that can't stop thinking and I simply need somewhere to put all these thoughts down. Oh, and that Thousand is in noun form, referring to yours truly, Marjorie Thousand.

I've always been hesitant to blog because people, myself included, censor and alter their works towards the likings of the audience --as good writers are taught to do. But after four grueling (yes, grueling) years of undergraduate coursework studying old white men, I can finally break free from the constraints of  structured academia to explore myself . To let my mind wander aimlessly with an unmatched diligence. My "thinks" range from fashion to faith and all "thinks" worth conversation. I'm even up for suggestions (after I get a hang of this). I simply thought this would be the best venue.  

I am the editor. The writer. The subject.   I will not write for you. This is for me. This blog is me. If you happen to enjoy it, fine. If not, "it costs you nothing pay me no mind". (Oh yea, and there will be TONS of Jay-Z quotes because Jay-Z speaks to the way my mind works. T.S. Elliot and  E.B White, not so much). If you get passed the typos and grammatical errors (I'll keep the AP Stylebook handy) you might encounter something rare here: truth.

 I am going to be brutally honest. I will bare myself and my soul and I promise you integrity and candor. Most of all, I keeps it real. Some might even say, "keep it 100". I, on the other hand, keep it 1000 --so much that it's my last name.

 Wish me luck, 
 Miss Thousand