"I tried to be nice. but i have to say you need get over your I deserve this shit. Cuz you wont get everything you "deserve". You don't deserve as much as you think you do and neither do i. That's what I have learned and I hope you learn it to."-Excerpt from an email from my Ex
I've been breaking/broken up with my "Ex" since April 25th. It was the day I found text messages between him and various girls ( one of whom I had previously had my eye on because shelooked easy) on the Blackberry I had given him. I took the phone, sent all of them text messages and left his house a new woman. Since then, I (idiotically) tried to be his friend. I don't really do "friends" with men I've been involved with, but he was a great friend while we were together... and recent updates on his health made me feel like he needed someone, and that someone should be me. Because I love him. Meanwhile, when I asked for his company, or his time, the same consideration wasn't returned. So yesterday, I ended the friendship and with it all ties.
I got an email from him today. He explained that his schedule is hectic and he has no time (remember, this is the same guy on the Starbucks date with the ugly chick). He's one of those guys who makes time only for what he wants. If you aren't high on the "Wants" list, you might as well not be on the list at all. So, I responded to the email saying that I deserve more than he was giving and could give me. The quote above is how he opened his response. Needless to say, I called him and it didn't go civilly. I'd describe the conversation for you but I'm trying to limit the curse words in this blog. The conversation began with a "Don't you ever fucking disrespect me" ( I really do add the "g" when I'm upset) and ended with a "FUCK YOU," followed by the dial tone.
Now for the meat of this blog: If a man says "you don't deserve as much as you think," he doesn't realize your full potential. Negativity can be the most destructive force to a person's success if you don't separate yourself. But, never forget it. I will never forget how little value he placed on me as a person. And I promise you he will one day realize that he should have held onto me. He does not deserve me. The man a woman needs in her life is one that will support her on any endeavor she tackles. He will stand beside her in the spotlight and pick her up if she can no longer see the light.
Additionally, he truly believes that he will not get everything he deserves. How can I be with a man who is willing to settle for so little? Here's the thing: He had 2 job offers last summer. A secure teaching job at a private school, or a teaching job with some company no one has heard of. He chose the latter, deciding with his heart instead of his wallet. He bought a new bed, Macbook and car; all of which have to be paid monthly on top of his student loans for his 5 years of undergrad (takes him a long time to learn, trust me). Now, the bills are piling up so he has to DJ more gigs on top of the job he now hates it (he only admits that every other day, of course).
It seems that second rate is good enough for him (that girl was third rate) and he insists it should be good enough for me. Once you make exceptions for any given situation, you affect the outcome of your life as a whole. Imagine me, marrying this broke school teacher because he doesn't think he deserves better. This $22,550 in student loans says I BETTER never be broke again. In sum, if you settle for less, you will get less. That's all. I settled for him in the beginning and we see where that left me.This isn't deeply philosophical, merely common sense and purely truth.Plus, I had to get that off my chest. Whew.
A Poem by Ciara
My Love
Anything you ask, I'll be right there to do it.
But if I react, you tell me to relax.
Too late to take it back. Cuz boy you put me through it.
This circular motion is all we do.
I'm so sick of going back and forth with you.
You should have been happy to have me.
Said you wanted to have some kids, build a family.
Now I wish it wasnt true.
It's killing me to do, what I go to do.
The problem here is you.
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