Love, I believe, is what transitions you from one stage of life into another. The Virginity stage is incomparable to any other. When I speak of virginity, I am speaking of both sexual virginity and emotional virginity. When neither your heart nor your insides have been torn apart by brutal and, sometimes even, kind men, who have their own methods of destruction. It is in essence the period of innocence and naivety. For men, it is always a game --something to figure out, accomplish, win over. For women, love is and has always been accompanied by pain.We cannot escape it. Okay, I'll leave the "we's" behind speak for myself now.
I enter every relationship expecting the worst because Murphy' damned law seems to be the ultimate decree as to how life is to proceed: whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. I was trying to figure out how to get started on this blog and read a brilliant friend's blog, Eff Everything by Lauren (don't know if I should put her last name). Her first blog commented on Love (yes, I will capitalize this bastard throughout) and the celeb relationships vs. real life relationships... you know, the usual stuff we all concern ourselves with, comparing ourselves to people we DO NOT KNOW. Anyways, she goes on to end the piece discussing how Love "isn’t smooth sailing, don’t get me wrong, but love is self first. When you find that, everything else will fall into place." Genius.
And depressing.
Where does that leave those of us not walking through parks swinging intertwined fingers in the spring sun on our way to romantic picnics? What do I need to find Love? I have a picnic basket. I've had this damned picnic basket for two years. No picnic. Who am I? Yogi Bear? Depressing. Ain't it depressing? Not only do you have to find that "special someone" but you must now find yourself as well. Yourself seems to be the hardest person to find. You can look in the mirror everyday and not know who you are. And when you think you know, then you fall in love, and love changes you. You wake up out of love a completely different person --I can assure you.
I was in a relationship with a great man (mostly, if he was that great, we'd still be together, right?) for my last 2 years of college. I practically lived with the man. I grew. Man, I grew. I became a woman with him. I cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner. Washed his clothes (when he would let me). Cleaned his house. Made his bed. My world revolved around him. I envisioned myself marrying this man. Having his children. I hate children. I am telling you that I grew. Until he wanted to be young again. He is five years my elder, but sadly just getting into his "cool". He hadn't gotten girls in high school, or most of college, but now the big time DJ is attracting attention unlike anything he had had in the past. And here I was, in love. Ready... ready to "go to the sto'" for him (please, get Erykah Badu's new album. Please.). Yet, asking for his time was asking for too much.
He no longer wanted me. It shames me to say this but I begged for the first time in my life (AND THE LAST) that he wouldn't leave me. I'd have done anything.I cried and I cry still. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Sincerely.
A week later, he was seductively sipping a latte with his date outside the Johns Hopkins Starbucks (Oh, yes this M.F. was). Besides loudly announcing that "she ain't cuter than me," my heart-felt response was, Word?
Lauren, sweetie, I have to disagree. It's not Eff Love, rather, Eff Him. Only after I found Love was I able to find myself. So you see, the reverse is also absolutely possible. Because I did Love him. Part of me still would, if I hadn't found myself already. Lauryn Hill describes a line in her song "Lose Myself" as a double entendre: "I had to lose myself, in order to Love you better," meaning that one has to lose themselves in Love in order to Love better. At the same time you also have to lose out, lose something, to understand how to Love better. Sometimes that thing you lose is yourself. Only after you have lost yourself to the ungracious recipient will you miss yourself. Nobody looks for something they don't think is missing. You need to lose yourself un order to find yourself and then Love yourself better.
We depend so much on the love of others, perfecting ourselves for others hoping to find love. Maybe the purpose of love is to show you who you really are.And who says love only comes once? It'll be back. Oh, it will be back. While my Ex can parade around whichever 10 (I know it's 80/20, but she wasn't cute) he wants, my next Love will be at least a 95. I guarantee it. My Ex might have let me down, but I don't disappoint myself.
So... overall, thanks for inspiration, Lauren. You said it best, Eff Everything. (Check out her blog, it's phenomenal, & much more put together than mine!)
For the grande finale:With some slight edits, I give you a poem by Shawn Carter,
(Spaced out so it looks like poetry. Nice, huh?)
"Is That Yo B*tch"
I don't love'em,
I eff'em.
I don't chase'em.
I duck'em.
I replace'em with another one.
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